It’s been years since I feel like myself. Most of the times, I feel like a doppelgänger of everyone I met. If I had a special power, mine would be a copy cat.
I absorbed people’s greed and ambition as if it were mine. I morphed myself into people that I see, fitting in as someone else not as me. I wanted to be successful and perfect.
It’s been awhile. I speak to myself. She remained quiet. Maybe it’s because it’s been awhile since I talk to her… or listened. She looked at me, her eyes closed, her mouth shut firmly. I sat beside her, she in front of me. It was a while before I see a slight tear in her eyes that I realised that, who have I been trying to be?
I couldn’t say anything, no words could convey the remorse I feel for killing a part of me. Making her deafen and feeble, making her voiceless. Instead when I turned around, I see the eyes of everyone I want to be. Their eyes staring at me, taunting. Like a cat’s eyes looking at a mice — to be toyed at. It felt sick and unjust, I turned my back from the crowd and look at myself whom are in misery. I dare not to wipe the tears away because I am the cause. I am the cause to my own misery. I’ve been letting everything in without filter. If you don’t filter out things, you will get unnecessary things too. If you don’t filter out the virus inside your computer, it will turn your computer faulty. It was only when I realised how crowded with unnecessary things inside my head, did I feel like pressing the whole “Clean the cache”.
But even “Cleaning the cache” takes time too. Imagine your brain as the Earth, polluted with all pollution, to make it clean again, it will take a while right?
